Republican National Convention Schedule

Republican National Convention Schedule
New York, NY

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"

8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"

8:30 PM Round table discussion "Reproductive Rights" (men only)

8:50 PM Seminar #2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"

9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"

9:30 PM break for secret meetings

10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"

10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside"

10:35 PM Bush demonstration: "Deer in Headlights" stare (you know, the one he trademarked)

10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: "New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt"

10:45 PM "GOP's Tribute to Tokenism", featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

10:50 PM Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"

11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"

11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM Blame Clinton

11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord